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The hairnets are off

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Seriously, at least they’re not kidding around anymore.

Not since the arrival of the Hardees Monster Burger has the stock of defibrillator manufacturers spiked like it did today.

Kentucky Fried Chicken, the logo of which alone contains 200 calories, has decided it has zero interest in the survival of mankind. Thus, it is unleashing its own attempt at fast food genocide with the Double Down Sandwich.

This testament to afternoon cubicle naps and culinary slap in the face to the Food Pyramid consists of a few slabs of bacon, some sort of sauce and a few insertions of a cheese product that would confuse the line workers at Velveeta piled high in between two pieces of, well, certainly not bread. No, bread would be bush league.

The chefs (really?) at KFC headquarters, which is clearly located in or around Area 51, decided during a corporate event at Burning Man that it was time for some real originality in drive-thru fare. So they put all that bacon, cheese, sauce and whatever else in between two pieces of fried chicken. Original recipe of course.

(My keyboard is starting to become greasy, by the way.)

Among countless other questions that have started to filter through my sheer amazement that a business outside of the tobacco industry is brave enough to market a product that will literally eliminate its own customer base, I can’t help but ponder how the other fast food companies are going to react to this gauntlet being tossed into the fryer.

Can french fries hold together sandwich contents? What about the fried McMayo? That must have some legs.

And what about the alternate versions that we know are in the works? The Spicy Double Down? The Triple Down? A kids version is certainly being planned, right? Some cheese and bacon in between a couple of nuggets.

Really, now that the line has been officially crossed and the hairnets are off, the fast food wars are going to reach Palestine and Israel levels of hate real soon. This is going to get messy.

Anyone have a napkin?

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