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Let’s call e-bikes what they are: mopeds

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When I was really young, five or whatever, I remember my brother having interest in a rusted yellow moped my aunt and uncle had in an old barn behind their house. I remember thinking, “Dude, no. Shit’s lame.”

The good news is that the memory isn’t that clear, so I’m not sure if he ever rode it or the interest continued. Either way, I’d rather not know. Unfortunately, I’m afraid my fear may be reincarnated thanks to the onset of e-bikes.

First, these aren’t bikes. They’re mopeds. And no matter how similar to actual bikes you make the paint scheme or volume of trendy urbanist cool you apply, they still won’t be acceptable. I’m having a hard enough time accepting electric skateboards. Thankfully they’ve made those things so expensive they’ll never crack the mainstream marketplace.

The problem with e-bikes is that most functional bicycles today already require a line of credit to acquire thanks to an industry that has about as much ability to control costs as Donald Sterling does his dementia. Since $6,000 is already an acceptable amount to pay for a bicycle with pedals, hell, why not step up another few bucks to one that pedals for you?

Either get a Vespa or a set of pedals, because you can’t have both.

At least not on the same machine.

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